Friday, March 30, 2012

Why Not Me?

This week has been interesting. 

Wednesday I found out I'm having surgery on my ear for the #9079872967954769247698245 time again, and scheduled for April 13th.

Was just feeling the weight of it all, and yesterday specifically I was, and my heart was just kind of heavy. Found myself crying in the car on the way to work yesterday morning out of nowhere. Well, I guess it came from somewhere but just took me by surprise.

When my Mom got home that night after work, she started crying and gave me the biggest hug. She said “I’m so sorry you have to have another surgery. I’m overwhelmed for you and I’m not even the one having the surgery.” And then I started crying because I feel so bad that I’m adding this onto her already filled plate after the passing of Larry. But she’s always been so amazing and my biggest supporter and encourager and has always been there for me through everything.

I feel like I should elaborate. I believe I've mentioned on that blog that at birth I was also diagnosed with Turner Syndrome. It’s a chromosomal abnormality, occurring in 1 in every 5000 girls.  Blows my mind that that I’m one of the “1”. There are many symptoms to this, including ear/hearing issues, so a lot of what I’ve been going through with the ears over the years stems from this. But the biggest symptom resulting from Turner’s is non-working ovaries which results in infertility, which yes means, and this is so hard to even type out, the doctors say I can’t have kids. And my biggest desire is to be a mother and I love kids.  I FIRMLY believe that the doctor’s do not have the final say and God has ALL the control. When you’re younger and the doctor’s are telling your Mom that you probably won’t have kids, you don’t process that the same as when you’re my age now. I think right now it’s easy to suppress the feelings and forget all that because I’m not in a relationship, you know? But deep down it’s always there and it’s my reality and it really can play a battle with my mind. It’s easy to think you’re broken and damaged goods when you know that part of you is missing and what guy is going to want that??? And put the ear issues on top of that. But I know that is a straight flat out lie from the devil himself and know that doesn’t align with God’s word. Then I get so upset with myself for letting all this get to me like it does sometimes and feel it’s selfish I guess because in the grand scheme of things it’s so little when you compare it to Larry who passed away from brain cancer, but in my world this is all so HUGE to me and in my weak moments it’s like a mountain that threatens to swallow me if I let it.

Ever since I was little it was going in and out of doctor’s offices whether it was for my ears and having multiple surgeries or meeting with the endocrinologist for my Turner’s. And I’m just so beyond tired of it all. I’m always usually seeing the glass half full, but there are moments I think “Why Me?” but I guess I should reverse that and say “Why not me?” ….. who am I to question God’s plan????

And with that said…. I’m sorry, really don’t want you to think this is a “Lauren, pity party of one”,… it’s truly not. Didn’t mean for such a heavy post and thanks for letting me type all this out and vent.

Even if you didn’t ask for it.

Rant over. 

And you might be thinking, Lauren, aren't you jumping ahead of yourself, don't you need to find yourself a husband first and then worry about all the rest??? 

Why yes, you might be correct. But I never claimed to make sense, ha!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Weekend in South Florida.

This past weekend my Mom and I traveled down south and spent an amazingly beautiful weekend in Boca Raton visiting some friends. I could very easily move to S. Florida.

Couldn't you???? We spent some time on Deerfield Beach. Unbelievably GORGEOUS with the bluest water and look at that sky.

I attempted standup paddling for the second time.

I think I'm a pro now!!! :)

Wish I had taken more pictures of the weekend but was having too much fun.

 This couple, Steve and Kelly, have become so near and dear to my heart and to our family. They have walked with us through the biggest storm in going through Larry's illness and eventually his passing. Steve actually was Larry's best friend and gave the eulogy at his memorial. They are a gift from Heaven.

The weekend was full of Larry stories and good laughs. They knew Larry like we did and that bond can never be broken. It was hard to come home. Such a great weekend and one of those weekends I am so glad to call Florida my home!! :)

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Goodbye Winter! Hello Spring!

Happy first day of Spring everyone!!!!!

Just have to be honest, I'm so not sad to see Winter go.

There's no denying that this Winter was a hard for me and the whole rest of my family. Winter itself is kind of blah to begin with, but then add walking along side a loved one battling brain cancer and our whole Christmas and Winter season was anything but normal and well..... Winter just plain sucked!

I welcome spring with open arms. Spring is such a time of hope and joy. There's new life in this season. You get that extra hour of daylight. There's flowers blooming and budding all around you. The birds are chirping. The sunglasses come out a little more. Outdoor sports. Kids with lemonade stands. Iced tea. Kids at the park. Pretty spring clothes. Green grass. Warm sun. The slight bite in the air at night. Easter Celebrations.

Truly, what is there not to love about Spring??

It’s like a second chance,
Only it comes back every year
Thus outnumbering
The previous number
Of chances!
It’s just as if there was
A soulmate for every
Living thing,
Every colour,
Every rainbow.

What's your favorite things about Spring??? :)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Take Note: SPF is your friend!

Yesterday was GORGEOUS! Spent the day at the beach! Seriously, it was pure perfection.

And I was an idiot and now I'm paying for it dearly! 

Don't EVER EVER underestimate the Florida sun!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wisdom to know it's ME.

I’ve found it’s especially true in my own life that it’s easy to look around us and the people around us and see their flaws and things they need to change.

How does that scripture go???

Oh, yes…… 

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Straight out of Matthew.

I never want to have a judgmental attitude to where I become so blind to that plank in my own eye. I never want to live in that state of being a hypocrite. 

Here’s a different spin on the Serenity Prayer I came across: God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it’s ME.

I am by no means perfect and I fall short, and does this not stop and make you think?

We have no control over the way people treat us. But how I act and react, that’s all on ME. That goes for anything in life. I think a lot of what we face in life God allows to cause us to look inward.

And that plank.


We just might find it.

God, give me the wisdom when I need it to know it's me! 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Feelin' a little feathery.

Friday after work I went and got my hair did. Hair day has become one of my favorite days :)

My hair girl talked me into trying the feather trend that's going on for the hair and I said what the heck!

What do you think? It's different for me and kind of sassy. I like. 
I seriously have come to love my hair stylist. She's wonderful.

Friday, March 9, 2012

A month.

It's been a month today since Larry passed away. Hard to believe.

A month since we've physically seen him here on this earth.

Oh but what a month I'm sure he's had in Heaven.... Happy, healthy, whole, and free from cancer. But for us it's probably been one of the most challenging months but we're clinging together as a family and getting through it together with a lot of love and support from each other. 

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Words can't explain how much we miss him and his presence in our lives. 

I don't have the heart to delete his name from my phone.

We had some of the best car ride talks and hard when you just can't pick up the phone and talk to him. A few days prior to Larry passing he was in a unresponsive state. He couldn't communicate or talk with us but they assured us that he could still hear us and encouraged us to talk to him like he could. So we did and I still do, knowing that I can talk to him anytime I want and know he can hear us and is listening from Heaven.

He was an avid surfer! LOVED them waves!! Keep riding them waves in Heaven, Larry! I'm sure they're awesome!!

Miss you L-Train!!

Monday, March 5, 2012

Weekend in pictures!

Friday night I spent with my favorite ladies!

So a pretty neat thing happened. Over the weekend we received a Fed Ex box filled with letters from the first year med students from the class Larry went and talked to during his illness. They sent after they heard of his passing. Such a sweet reminder that Larry's legacy will live on and he will be making a difference long after he's gone. "You have forever changed the way we will practice medicine." Highest compliment EVER!! God is so good!! 

We had my nieces over for the the weekend  because my brother and his wife had a wedding to go to and we spent the day at Daytona Beach on Saturday and met family! Here's sleeping beauty! And how cute are the pig tails??? :)

My happy place!!!

Having fun at the pool. Such a fun hotel. Right next to the Daytona Beach Boardwalk and had a lazy river and a huge slide.

Daytona Beach Pier. We rode the Ferris Wheel. Saturday was a beautiful beach day! But then Sunday it was cold. That's Florida weather for you!

On our way home. The sign was lit and we stopped. Need I say more??? LOL

It was a great family weekend!! Hope y'all had a wonderful weekend. Happy Monday!