Can you hear me now?

Over my life, I've heard that question alot!

Let me explain...

As a little girl I have many memories of sitting in the doctor's office, yet again, because of my chronic ear infections. And I still deal with my ear issues to this day.

A good part due to my Turner's Syndrome, I have chronic ear infections and significant hearing loss in both ears. Read my post here.

I can remember when I was little having many, many sets of tubes put in. The thing I remember most is I would be rolled on my bed to the operating room and at one point there was this line on the floor signifying that no one could go beyond that point. I hated that line each time I saw it because I knew I would have to be separated from my mom and then it would just be me and the doctors and that's a scary thing for a little child. I can still remember the smell of the operating room and the fear that ran through me as I saw the doctor reaching down to place the gas mask over my face so I could go off to sleep.

Fast forward many years later, still with the same set of problems and faced with two more surgeries but now in my teenage years and early adult years and not quite as scared of that line and filled with peace knowing that my mom would be waiting for me when I got out and not as scared to separate from her.

My last two surgeries were more extensive. Due to all the tubes I had a hole form in my ear drum. So I had one surgery to repair the ear drum and then a few years later had surgery for a total reconstruction of the ear drum where they basically made me a whole new ear drum.

So on my last surgery when they were in there they realized that after all my ears have been through over the years my bone in my ear had totally deteriorated and so they put a medal titanium implant in my ear. So I left the hospital with a little piece of paper with proof of this, so that if I were to ever go to the airport and walk through security and set off the alarm thing because of the medal in my ear, I could just flash that piece of paper and say sorry sir or ma'am, my ear set it off, haha, yeah... that didn't make me feel freakish or anything. Luckily, that has never happened.

I've developed alot of insecurities over the years where my ears and hearing are concerned. I think what I also hate most are the hearing tests I would have to do. They put you in this little sound proof room and you have a person on the outside of the room calling words out to you at different levels of sound and you have to repeat them, or they play noises and when you hear the noises you have to push the little button. This always made me feel so insecure, and I couldn't always tell if it was the noise I was really hearing, or if I was just pushing the button because I wanted to believe I was hearing the noise. Isn't that kind of how it is with God? At times we don't always know if it's his voice we're hearing, but we just want to hope and believe that it is.

Then fast forward a couple of years later after my last surgery and I got the opportunity to receive hearing aides completely free to help with my hearing. But you know what, I hardly wear them. And I know I should be. I feel so insecure with them on though, and you can't even see them when I'm wearing them, but just in my mind I keep thinking, I am 25 years old and should not have to be wearing these things.

The reality is though, my hearing sucks and in my mind, that really sucks, because there's so much I'm missing out on in the world around me. I've worn them and it's like a whole new world opens up for me, the beauty of sound takes on a whole new meaning for me, but can't get past the insecurity. Too often I go throughout my day saying, "huh", "repeat that", "say what?" and the moral of the story is...

I NEED TO WEAR THEM!

I'll be honest, I do alot of lip reading. At times I'll pretend I hear somebody but in reality, I have no clue what they said. I pretend like the problem isn't there, and that's not how I want to go through life. I'm missing out on too much, and the profession I'm going into depends on my hearing!

Hey, maybe, just maybe, hearing aides will make me hear God's voice more clearly!

And if that's the case, then they're worth wearing! Wouldn't you say?