Monday, July 27, 2009

Can you hear me now?

Over my life, I've heard that question alot!

Let me explain...

As a little girl I have many memories of sitting in the doctor's office, yet again, because of my chronic ear infections. And I still deal with my ear issues to this day.

A good part due to my Turner's Syndrome, I have chronic ear infections and significant hearing loss in both ears. Read my post here.

I can remember when I was little having many, many sets of tubes put in. The thing I remember most is I would be rolled on my bed to the operating room and at one point there was this line on the floor signifying that no one could go beyond that point. I hated that line each time I saw it because I knew I would have to be separated from my mom and then it would just be me and the doctors and that's a scary thing for a little child. I can still remember the smell of the operating room and the fear that ran through me as I saw the doctor reaching down to place the gas mask over my face so I could go off to sleep.

Fast forward many years later, still with the same set of problems and faced with two more surgeries but now in my teenage years and early adult years and not quite as scared of that line and filled with peace knowing that my mom would be waiting for me when I got out and not as scared to separate from her.

My last two surgeries were more extensive. Due to all the tubes I had a hole form in my ear drum. So I had one surgery to repair the ear drum and then a few years later had surgery for a total reconstruction of the ear drum where they basically made me a whole new ear drum.

So on my last surgery when they were in there they realized that after all my ears have been through over the years my bone in my ear had totally deteriorated and so they put a medal titanium implant in my ear. So I left the hospital with a little piece of paper with proof of this, so that if I were to ever go to the airport and walk through security and set off the alarm thing because of the medal in my ear, I could just flash that piece of paper and say sorry sir or ma'am, my ear set it off, haha, yeah... that didn't make me feel freakish or anything. Luckily, that has never happened.

I've developed alot of insecurities over the years where my ears and hearing are concerned. I think what I also hate most are the hearing tests I would have to do. They put you in this little sound proof room and you have a person on the outside of the room calling words out to you at different levels of sound and you have to repeat them, or they play noises and when you hear the noises you have to push the little button. This always made me feel so insecure, and I couldn't always tell if it was the noise I was really hearing, or if I was just pushing the button because I wanted to believe I was hearing the noise. Isn't that kind of how it is with God? At times we don't always know if it's his voice we're hearing, but we just want to hope and believe that it is.

Then fast forward a couple of years later after my last surgery and I got the opportunity to receive hearing aides completely free to help with my hearing. But you know what, I hardly wear them. And I know I should be. I feel so insecure with them on though, and you can't even see them when I'm wearing them, but just in my mind I keep thinking, I am 25 years old and should not have to be wearing these things.

The reality is though, my hearing sucks and in my mind, that really sucks, because there's so much I'm missing out on in the world around me. I've worn them and it's like a whole new world opens up for me, the beauty of sound takes on a whole new meaning for me, but can't get past the insecurity. Too often I go throughout my day saying, "huh", "repeat that", "say what?" and the moral of the story is...

I NEED TO WEAR THEM!

I'll be honest, I do alot of lip reading. At times I'll pretend I hear somebody but in reality, I have no clue what they said. I pretend like the problem isn't there, and that's not how I want to go through life. I'm missing out on too much, and the profession I'm going into depends on my hearing!

Hey, maybe, just maybe, hearing aides will make me hear God's voice more clearly!

And if that's the case, then they're worth wearing! Wouldn't you say?

13 comments:

Rebecca Jo said...

Girl - totally feeling your words today - in MANY ways...

but I too can relate - with all my ear issues lately, my hearing has been affected & I need to go get them tested - but keep putting it off...

I have a friend who is almost deaf but she too resists wearing hearing aids...

WHY are we so insecure when it comes to these things? Such a prideful side to us all... We have to allow God to break that...

Have a Blessed Day Beautiful!

Nichele Lynn said...

WOW! Friend, you and I have SO much more in common then we think! I had massive ear infections and PE Tubes put in and out when I was younger! I luckly grew out of most of the issues, but still can relate! I love you, girl. Have a good day!

...Mrs. Southern Bride... said...

Thanks for the sweet comment!

Love your blog! :)

Meagan said...

aww woman... You should totally wear them! I know how hard it can be, we shouldnt have to worry about these things at 25! But don't miss out! You are sweet and kind and beautiful..who needs perfect hearing?! haha!

My name is Megan... said...

oh my goodness lady! I'm sorry you have had to go through all of these. God is with you though..hearing aids or not...do what is best for you and I'm praying for you and your hearing and surgeries!

Kaitlyn said...

Oh, Lauren-- you brave woman. Your honesty amazing me! I love seeing how everything in your life comes back to God. I too say wear them-- closing your eyes and soaking in the sun and listening to nature is an experienced to be had!!

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

I love your ability to see God in all that you do and go through! Great analogy!
Wear those hearing aids!

Staci said...

Great post! I feel I need some spiritual hearing aides, too! It's so hard to determine if it's God's voice, Satan's or my own desires.

Whitney said...

I love this post and I love you. You are amazing!

Jacquie said...

You'll get past those insecurities one of these days. Just keep trying.

For the first time in my life, I can understand some of your words. My hearing seems to be getting much worse now that I'm getting older. It's a struggle sometimes and my kids HATE having to repeat stuff to me!! Ha!

Lauren said...

This broke my heart. I had no idea you dealt with this...wow.

I can imagine it would be hard to wear the hearing aides without feeling a little insecure.

I don't have hearing issues but vision...oh, my....I'm blind as can be. I started wearing glasses when I was 8...and you want to talk about insecure. That was me.

Maybe it would help to think of your wearing the aides as a testimony to other girls who have hearing issues. That they can be thankful there are such things as hearing aides, that they have the ability to hear at all, that God chose them to deal with such a thing because He knew of their strong faith.

Aishlea and Brandon said...

Hi~ I too have had ear issues in my past that have left me with only 30% hearing in my left ear. I can't talk on the phone on the left side, I have to read lips sometimes in a large group, and I always feel self-conscious about the way my left ear looks. They had to remove the bone behind my left ear and reshape it with cartilege. The hearing loss happened so gradually that my right ear began to pick up the slack a little and I don't need hearing aids.....yet. I will though.......

I totally sympathize with you on all the issues related to it....and also those blamed hearing tests! Don't tell--but I used to cheat on those! haha

Kendra said...

When will we ever be secure in ourselves?? I always thought after I got married, I would be. Nope. Maybe after 25. Nope.
Probably won't be after 30 either.
I guess I try and find comfort in how far I HAVE Come though...and that's pretty far. I am much stronger and more secure than I was 10 years ago~~~ =) Blessings to you girl!