Friday, March 30, 2012

Why Not Me?

This week has been interesting. 

Wednesday I found out I'm having surgery on my ear for the #9079872967954769247698245 time again, and scheduled for April 13th.

Was just feeling the weight of it all, and yesterday specifically I was, and my heart was just kind of heavy. Found myself crying in the car on the way to work yesterday morning out of nowhere. Well, I guess it came from somewhere but just took me by surprise.

When my Mom got home that night after work, she started crying and gave me the biggest hug. She said “I’m so sorry you have to have another surgery. I’m overwhelmed for you and I’m not even the one having the surgery.” And then I started crying because I feel so bad that I’m adding this onto her already filled plate after the passing of Larry. But she’s always been so amazing and my biggest supporter and encourager and has always been there for me through everything.

I feel like I should elaborate. I believe I've mentioned on that blog that at birth I was also diagnosed with Turner Syndrome. It’s a chromosomal abnormality, occurring in 1 in every 5000 girls.  Blows my mind that that I’m one of the “1”. There are many symptoms to this, including ear/hearing issues, so a lot of what I’ve been going through with the ears over the years stems from this. But the biggest symptom resulting from Turner’s is non-working ovaries which results in infertility, which yes means, and this is so hard to even type out, the doctors say I can’t have kids. And my biggest desire is to be a mother and I love kids.  I FIRMLY believe that the doctor’s do not have the final say and God has ALL the control. When you’re younger and the doctor’s are telling your Mom that you probably won’t have kids, you don’t process that the same as when you’re my age now. I think right now it’s easy to suppress the feelings and forget all that because I’m not in a relationship, you know? But deep down it’s always there and it’s my reality and it really can play a battle with my mind. It’s easy to think you’re broken and damaged goods when you know that part of you is missing and what guy is going to want that??? And put the ear issues on top of that. But I know that is a straight flat out lie from the devil himself and know that doesn’t align with God’s word. Then I get so upset with myself for letting all this get to me like it does sometimes and feel it’s selfish I guess because in the grand scheme of things it’s so little when you compare it to Larry who passed away from brain cancer, but in my world this is all so HUGE to me and in my weak moments it’s like a mountain that threatens to swallow me if I let it.

Ever since I was little it was going in and out of doctor’s offices whether it was for my ears and having multiple surgeries or meeting with the endocrinologist for my Turner’s. And I’m just so beyond tired of it all. I’m always usually seeing the glass half full, but there are moments I think “Why Me?” but I guess I should reverse that and say “Why not me?” ….. who am I to question God’s plan????

And with that said…. I’m sorry, really don’t want you to think this is a “Lauren, pity party of one”,… it’s truly not. Didn’t mean for such a heavy post and thanks for letting me type all this out and vent.

Even if you didn’t ask for it.

Rant over. 

And you might be thinking, Lauren, aren't you jumping ahead of yourself, don't you need to find yourself a husband first and then worry about all the rest??? 

Why yes, you might be correct. But I never claimed to make sense, ha!


Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Thanks for sharing all this honey. I can imagine that would be incredibly hard to deal with, but it's okay to feel all those things. Hugs.

Aishlea and Brandon said...

First--you are SO NOT damaged goods. Second--any guy would be extremely lucky to have you!!! And I know you will be a fantastic mother one day- no matter how God blesses you with a child.

I truly think that God chose this path for you because of the person you are- such an inspiration in everything that comes your way.

I love you friend!!

Michelle (michabella) said...

God has big plans for you friend. Trust me. And have you ever thought in your heart about adopting? I hope to adopt children whether I can or can't have children. Anyway.... BIG HUGS to you sweet friend.

ps- what are you doing tonight?

Unknown said...

I have emailed you before about how I know I can't have babies I was feeling this post! It is stuff like this that crosses my mind all of the time, so you are not alone! I love your attitude and it always inspires me to look to God when I have days like these. Thinking and praying for you!
Dayna Langdon

Taylor said...

Sending you hugs, girlfriend! Praying the surgery goes well and that your fears are calmed. :)

Suze said...

I have had hearing issues too and an extra piece on one of my chromosome! I'm like the only person that has this my geneticist researched it's bizarre! I go to obgyn in may and I'm nervous as get our! But I share your pain in one if not both categories! Would love to tAlk more! Xoxo

Kaysie said...

Everyone deserves to vent every now and then! :) You have a great outlook on life, Lauren, and I think a lot of people could learn a thing or two from you and how you handle difficult circumstances. Hope you have a better weekend than today!

Kristin said...

I wish I was closer I would come and give you a BIG hug!! I will be praying for you. I believe God can take our hurts and do amazing things with them...I will be praying that over you!!

Jessica @ Acting Adult said...

Sometimes a good rant/vent is what you need and that's a good reason to have a blog! I can't imagine being burdened with what you have but you have such an amazing attitude. You're an inspiration to those of us who rant about what are seemingly insignificant things like who stole my print outs at the copier.

BARBIE said...

No apologies for the rant. You are more than entitled to share your feelings. You are not damaged goods.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Saying a prayer for you tonight.

Mrs. Jones said...

I love the glimpse into your thoughts sweet girl.... you are beautiful, undamaged and a Princess for sure. I'll be saying prayers and thinking of you lots this month!